Being in a relationship and even going deeper as living with that person with the purpose of being honest with her and yourself bring to the surface your shadows, flaws, and inner child wounds so fast.
When I met Simay this happened from the first day and we really enjoyed this process. Even we started joking about this calling us our own "retreat".
A shadow is easy to admit but not easy to unblock from our DNA. it requires time. Recognizing a new shadow brings me a kind of anxiety to step out of there and make a quantum jump, -as the masculine that I am, right? - when patience and time is the best ally to unblock these new gifts to the world.
It's normal when you are in a healing process to want all this to happen fast, and I think much more if you are living with your partner.
The "Half-heartedness" shadow resonated so much last morning in me that my only desire was to go deeper to discover what was it about and how while remaining not seen was creating suffering in my life.
This shadow is about desire, and my first encounter with this was while leaving in Guatemala reading to Nisargadatta Maharaj and it creates possibly the greatest emotional chaos in me.
This is a basic lack of trust in human desire. This is not about my actions but the energy behind my actions that creates my future, and, coming from this culture of achievement I was just not going deeper on what was driving me forward.
I am engaged, and this is not my goal now to describe how growing all this has been with Simay from a place of fascination with her divine feminine.
We choose each other as a partner and that means a lot in terms of life maturity. It's not been easy, you can read my post about our latest triggers here.
The fascinating aspect for me, it's that when you allow yourself to face your shadows, beautiful gifts can be unlocked.
Without commitment, the action lacks power or direction and above all, it lacks luck. I've been a lucky person, a magnet, having the projects I want, the life that I want, and the resources that I want. Simay is the same. And it's well known that two magnetic people can attract faster. So I got interested immediately in the luck unblocking fact of this shadow. You may be laughing right now haha and yes, it's funny that sometimes we need some motivation for going through this uncomfortable process.
When you enter into something half-heartedly you invite misery into your life. And now I can remember how difficult it was for me to partner in the business in so many opportunities, clinging always to my Scorpio archetype. And it was getting heavier and heavier. I don't need to protect myself while writing this: I should admit that my energy is not compatible to deal with all kinds of partners just because there's a possibility of income. I have strong beliefs on this and the strongest one is that I can do it alone and I can generate income from whatever I want. This confidence is really awesome for having a wealthy life, they can blur your vision to go deeper too.
When you do something half-heartedly you are actually behaving dishonestly.
Discovering this really hit me hard. I recognized all my dishonest behaviors in business and relationships. And then I saw the shadow, a big one and I'm not afraid of bringing light to it.
I know now in this beautiful stage of my life that life is about cycles. Embracing change was the shortcut to starting my healing process. Even our cellular has a cycle of seven full years since that is how long it takes the body to replace all of its renewable cells.
True commitment within a cycle of time, therefore, last seven years or more. Now I know that cycles of desire can last much less time. I'm happy that I clearly recognized when an attraction was more about a sexual desire and not aligned with my future self. I'm happy now that I recognized when a career alternative, a business, or a business partner was all about desire and not aligned with my higher purpose. This saved me lots of energy. My divine intuition was always present and strong, clear support from my ancestor's wisdom codified in my DNA.
True commitment includes the energy to overcome obstacles and adversity. This is the key, this is the superpower. Half-heartedness is about giving up at the first sign of trouble or discomfort, it was not that I was not being patient, and ultimately, all half-heartedness is rooted in deep un-braced fear.
I've been pursuing success in my life, my own success. My definition of own success is not what others' success is about. I got a couple of nominations as a music producer and another as an audio mastering engineer. I stop that endless game. I like prizes and nominations, but I'm not driving my life from that need of being recognized. Success in life hinges upon two things -commitment and luck. Commitment actually engenders luck!
Now I know that all desires operate within clear cycles and these cycles must be honored. If a desire is honestly embraced, then its cycle will soon reveal itself. This shadow responds to most sexual desire out of fear which usually manifests as behavior rooted in either, guilt or shame. In this sense, half-heartedness means to hide your true feelings or follow them through in secret. this is when the phrase "A life lived in fear is a life half-lived".
To live half-heartedly means that you never fully embrace and trust our decisions. Our biggest fear, in the end, it's always jumping into the abyss of the unknown. I am manifesting now not holding back anything and being totally honest, both with myself and others.
With commitment, I have no need to think about the future or the goal because commitment contains the seed of the goal within it. I was seeing commitment through morality. My latest relationships began with this kind of clean commitment and they "ended" cleanly, without all the usual emotional turbulence that goes with "breaking up" (I don't use this term anymore).
When I started my relationship with Simay we settled our commitment to growth, we settle our commitment to opening our hearts, overcoming jealousy, opening our relationship when we feel it, and closing it when it's needed. That is one of our commitments, as another one is to create unity and create a community of open-hearted people in service to humanity.
My commitment is about surrender. Rather than expending a huge effort to maintain my commitment, I simply surrender myself to it. When I feel that there's a lack of commitment, I simply surrender myself to it. She helps a lot in this process, with her loving kindness and light feminine switch-on.
So... let's talk about abundance.
My prosperity is directly linked to clear commitment. I can see in my businesses that many cycles begin, end, and begin again. I cannot measure my financial success in a single cycle, this is been about commitment and certainty.
Devotion is commitment gone mad. It is mad in the sense that you have to leave the order of your mind to enter the wilderness of your heart. Commitment is not enough, commitment can still have traces of selfishness. A commitment was never enough for me, I was looking for devotion because I know the power of my loving presence.
True abundance is feedback from devotion, and studying and practicing tantra is helping me to understand this. I may extend this in the next post.
Have you noticed this half-hearttedness shadow in you? Please share with me in the comments below or send me an email at masontoryen@gmail.com
Trust your heart above all else, and never worry about the consequences. To be devoted means to lie forever in the lap of the divine.